A glimpse under the surface.

Those of you that know me might be surprised to learn that I've suffered consistently from some form of Anxiety disorder for the past ten years. Back in my teen years nothing stopped me from stepping out of my comfort zone to try something new whether it be cheering on the varsity cheer squad or playing Mrs. Malloy in our high school production of Hello Dolly. The mild anxiety of stepping out to perform fueled me rather than terrifying me. But then everything changed.
I started having full blown panic attacks in December of 2001 and I was certain I was dying. I had never heard of panic attacks or any form of anxiety disorder before. I became a prisoner to my anxiety. I would avoid social situations because I was so fearful that I would have a panic attack and embarrass myself. I was going to school at WSU at the time and due to my extreme Agoraphobia I ended up having to drop out. I didn't want to leave the house. At night I was too scared to fall asleep because I was certain that if I did I would never wake up. I would lay awake watching movies until my body would finally shut down and sleep. Finally after suffering like this for a couple months I saw a counselor at the school who informed me that I was experiencing panic attacks and prescribed Zoloft to help curb my anxiety. The Zoloft took away my panic attacks, but left me feeling spacey, like I was in another dimension. I quit taking it not long after and thankfully my panic attacks didn't return. I was however left with Generalized Anxiety Disorder which seems to come and go and affects me to different degrees at different times.
 I seem to be able to control my anxiety more when I keep myself busy so until recently between work and going to school I kept it pretty well under control. I was so excited when I got pregnant and my anxiety disappeared completely. I prayed that I was cured of the anxiety and would never suffer again. To my extreme dismay my anxiety came back with a vengeance after I weaned Ashlyn last August. I think it was exacerbated by the death of my Grandfather and my instinctual need to protect Ashlyn. I had these off the wall what-if thoughts of situations that might occur where I wouldn't be able to help or save her. On the nights when we had high winds I would stay awake crippled by my fear of a tree falling on our house into her bedroom. And with all this talk about major earthquakes around the world and knowing that we live in an area where we could experience such an event, I have lived in an almost constant state of fear. In December I started to notice that not only was I experiencing awful anxiety, I seemed to be feeling depressed more often and was having a hard time mustering up the energy to do anything. I felt hopeless and more than anything I felt lost. I spent every day racking my brain trying to figure out what I could or should do to pull myself out of this dark time, but the more I tried the harder things seemed to become.
Over the years I've tried different prescription drugs, supplements, detox programs, exercise, and therapy and nothing has seemed to do the trick. One night while I was laying awake fretting about well, everything I saw an informercial for an anxiety/depression program. I watched the infomercial for awhile and thought it sounded interesting so I wrote down the 1-800 number and changed the channel figuring it probably wasn't the answer I was looking for. A few days later I came across the number and decided to call and order a free preview CD. It arrived and I set it aside thinking I would get to it at some point. A month past and I found the CD in a stack of papers so I decided to give it a listen and see what this program was all about. Instantly I knew it was different than anything else i've tried so after I finished listening to the CD I called and ordered the 15-week program.

While I'm only on week 2, I can already tell that this program is providing me with valuable tools to get past this anxiety. I'm hoping that it will be the answer I've been searching for so that I can start living the life that I have been dreaming about for the past 10 years. One in which I can control my anxiety and am able to set outside my comfort zone once again. I hope to blog in the future about my progress and hope that the next year will be filled with new experiences and adventures. Thanks for letting me share!